A mother and her young son were flying Aloha Airlines from Honolulu to Las Vegas. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer that wouldn’t lead to items she was not prepared to discuss with her still-too-young son) told him to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”

The boy admitted that this was the case.

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Aloha always pulls out on time.

Your mother can explain it to you.”

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A middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

“I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation”!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. “I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself.”

“The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago.”

“And what about the third rose?” she asked.

“That’s from a man in the burn unit – he wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

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The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, “You know what, before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.”

“Well,” the limo driver says, “Come up here and take the wheel, Your Holiness, and I’ll get in back!”

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who walks over to the limo, sees who’s sitting in the front seat and runs back to his squad car. He calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone really important and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?”

“I don’t know exactly who he is,” the officer responds, “but the Pope is his chauffeur!”

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A businessman was having an affair with his young secretary. Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary’s house. When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends.

One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary’s house. When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off.

By the time he arrived home, the executive’s wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been.

“I am not going to lie to you,” he said, “I am having an affair.”

His wife slowly looked him up and down, paused for a moment and said, “BS, you’ve been playing golf!”

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A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied. “Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked. The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.” “Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.” “Yeah?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”

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Two bozo moose hunters are flown into a remote lake in Newfoundland. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose each. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the take off.”

“That’s rubbish,” says one of the hunters.

“Yeah,” the other agrees, “you’re just chicken: we came out here last year and got two moose, and that pilot had some guts: He wasn’t afraid to take off!”

“Yeah,” said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!”

The pilot’s ego was bruised by this, so he got angry, and said, “If he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!”

They loaded up, taxied to the end of the lake and then opened up at full throttle, the plane rose into the air, but didn’t quite have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped and broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?”

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said, “I’d say about a hundred yards further than last year.”

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Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc.

When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them ……….”Moosellaneous.”

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There were three hunters sitting around a campfire telling the story of the worst thing that ever happened to them.

“Once I was on some scaffolding seven stories high when it collapsed, I was in the hospital for almost 6 months”, said the first hunter.”

The second hunter said, “one time while I was hitch-hiking and I was hit by a Greyhound bus, it broke my back and most of my other bones.”

Since the third hunter was silent the first two asked for his story. After a moment he spoke up I will just tell you what the second worst thing that ever happened to me was.”

“One time when I was hunting I had the urge to take a poop, so I went behind a tree dropped my drawers and assumed “THE” position, well I squatted to close to the ground and a bear trap closed around my testicles.”

“God” said the other two if that was the second worst thing that ever happened to you what was the worst thing.” replying he said “When I reached the end of the chain.”

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How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Twelve.Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decidehow to solve the problem,one Francophone to complain thatI didn’t translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee Onthe Status Of Women to say that women have been under represented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it,one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and oneto drop the puck.

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President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

“Hallo, President Bush” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?

“I am callin’ to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you, eh!”

” Well Archie,” George replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Archie, after a moment’s calculation “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”

George paused. “I must tell you Archie, that I have ONE MILLION men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Holy jeez,” said Archie. “I’ll have ta call ya back!”

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Archie?”, George asked.

“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, 3 fishing boats, 2 harpoon boats, a trawler with radar and Harry’s farm tractor.”

President Bush sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 6,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”

“Lard T’underin’ Jaysus, bye”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!”

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”

“Jeysus, Mary and Joseph,” said Archie, “I’ll have ta call youse back.”

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis ‘ere war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” said George. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”