A man approaches a very well-endowed, beautiful woman in a supermarket.
“I’ve lost my girlfriend,” he tells her. “Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?”
“Sure, but I don’t understand how that would help,” she replies.
“Well, it seems like every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere.”
———————————————–
Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”
“I know the feeling,” the other says.
“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”
————————————————————-
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”
He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”
————————————————————-
A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed.
“What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus.”
——————————————————–
A drunk in a bar barfs all over his shirt. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”
“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Ummm, yeah… he crapped in my pants, too.”
A man approaches a very well-endowed, beautiful woman in a supermarket.
“I’ve lost my girlfriend,” he tells her. “Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?”
“Sure, but I don’t understand how that would help,” she replies.
“Well, it seems like every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere.”
———————————————–
Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”
“I know the feeling,” the other says.
“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”
————————————————————-
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”
He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”
————————————————————-
A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed.
“What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus.”
——————————————————–
A drunk in a bar barfs all over his shirt. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”
“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Ummm, yeah… he crapped in my pants, too.”